Funny

White House Says Bidenomics So Successful The Average American Has Twice As Many Jobs As They Had Two Years Ago

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The Babylon Bee…

– White House Says Bidenomics So Successful The Average American Has Twice As Many Jobs As They Had Two Years Ago:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing this morning, the White House praised the overwhelming success of “Bidenomics,” as the average American now has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago.

“Thanks to the President’s wonderful economic policies, most Americans have at least two jobs,” said gay, black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to the raucous applause of hand-picked journalists in the room. “Our economists ran the numbers and found that’s twice as many jobs as people used to have just a few years ago. So many jobs! Success!”

“Wow! Thanks, President Biden!” said local barista/hardware store clerk/landscaper/drive-thru worker/Uber driver Brett Barnes. “I’m just swimming in jobs right now! Just a couple more jobs and I’ll be able to afford bread, eggs, AND milk! Bidenomics works!”

Read moreWhite House Says Bidenomics So Successful The Average American Has Twice As Many Jobs As They Had Two Years Ago

The Diversity Officer Employment Aptitude Test

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– The Diversity Officer Employment Aptitude Test:

This assessment reveals if you are a good candidate.

Demand for Diversity Officers may have peaked and may even be on the wane.

The Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion hustle is running its course and may soon be out of steam, but it’s not too late to collect your share of the loot.

This means you shouldn’t delay applying for one of the lucrative positions carrying the generic title of “DEI Officer.” 

While the typical DEI position requires no expertise of any sort, it does require a collection of attitudes toward your fellow men and women, an ability to utter shameless platitudes and clichés, and embrace a clearly identifiable and primitive Manichean worldview grounded in paranoia.

If you aim to become a promising candidate for a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) position, either in the corporate world or in academia, you can easily discover if you have the necessary self-conscious virtue by taking this five-minute employment aptitude survey.

Answer “Yes” to the following statements if you agree, and add or subtract the points assigned for each question based on your Yes answer.

Then score yourself by comparing your results with those in the chart at the end. Good luck!

Read moreThe Diversity Officer Employment Aptitude Test

Disney World Forced To Close After DeSantis Builds Elementary School Within 1,000 Feet

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The Babylon Bee…

– Disney World Forced To Close After DeSantis Builds Elementary School Within 1,000 Feet:

ORLANDO, FL — As the feud continues between Ron DeSantis and the Disney corporation over what the Florida Governor calls Disney’s “grooming” behavior towards young children, Disney was forced to halt all operations after DeSantis’s administration built an elementary school within 1,000 feet of the theme park.

“Disney has proudly employed sex predators for years, and this act of aggression by DeSantis will force thousands of our proud pedo-American workers to leave the park to stay outside the 1,000-foot radius required by law,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “This is tyranny!”

Sources say roadblocks have already been set up at the entrance of the park, which will be closed indefinitely.

“We can’t stop Disney from running constant programming that steals innocence from young children, but we can shut them down with this elementary school!” Governor DeSantis declared outside the newly completed “Based Elementary School” in front of a mural of the new school’s mascot: a musclebound alligator treading on a Pride flag. “Disney’s crusade to corrupt the youth has finally come to an end here in the free state of Florida.”

At publishing time, the former Disney employees had all gotten jobs as public school teachers in California.

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