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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing this morning, the White House praised the overwhelming success of “Bidenomics,” as the average American now has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago.
“Thanks to the President’s wonderful economic policies, most Americans have at least two jobs,” said gay, black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to the raucous applause of hand-picked journalists in the room. “Our economists ran the numbers and found that’s twice as many jobs as people used to have just a few years ago. So many jobs! Success!”
“Wow! Thanks, President Biden!” said local barista/hardware store clerk/landscaper/drive-thru worker/Uber driver Brett Barnes. “I’m just swimming in jobs right now! Just a couple more jobs and I’ll be able to afford bread, eggs, AND milk! Bidenomics works!”
ORLANDO, FL — As the feud continues between Ron DeSantis and the Disney corporation over what the Florida Governor calls Disney’s “grooming” behavior towards young children, Disney was forced to halt all operations after DeSantis’s administration built an elementary school within 1,000 feet of the theme park.
“Disney has proudly employed sex predators for years, and this act of aggression by DeSantis will force thousands of our proud pedo-American workers to leave the park to stay outside the 1,000-foot radius required by law,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “This is tyranny!”
Sources say roadblocks have already been set up at the entrance of the park, which will be closed indefinitely.
“We can’t stop Disney from running constant programming that steals innocence from young children, but we can shut them down with this elementary school!” Governor DeSantis declared outside the newly completed “Based Elementary School” in front of a mural of the new school’s mascot: a musclebound alligator treading on a Pride flag. “Disney’s crusade to corrupt the youth has finally come to an end here in the free state of Florida.”
At publishing time, the former Disney employees had all gotten jobs as public school teachers in California.
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