Funny

Kamala Explains 93% Of Staff Quit Because They Couldn’t Handle The Joy

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The Babylon Bee…

– Kamala Explains 93% Of Staff Quit Because They Couldn’t Handle The Joy:

WASHINTON, DC — Kamala Harris explained this week that the extraordinarily high turnover in her staff is due to people just not being able to handle the sheer amounts of joy she exudes in her office.

“They quit because they are literally overdosing on joy,” Harris explained. “Almost no one on earth can stand being around this much joy for more than a few weeks. It’s my cross to bear.”

Despite her proclamations, anonymous reports have surfaced that Harris actually has a tendency to be viciously hostile and impossible to work with. “That’s just how some people describe joy,” explained Harris. “It’s so much joy, they don’t even know how to express it. There is just this giant ball of overwhelming joy and it creates a joyful work environment full of joyous joy. Some people’s brains don’t know how to handle it.”

However, former Kamala staffer Carol Eggerton explained there is more to the story. “I quit because she screamed for twenty minutes like a demon because she thought I didn’t get a second pump of cream in her coffee,” said Eggerton. “I’ll never forget when she hurled that scorching hot latte in my face and hollered ‘THIS DOES NOT BRING ME JOY YOU MONKEY-FACED HALFWIT!'”

As of publishing time, Kamala’s staff turnover rate had risen to 97% because of a recent increase in joy.

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Biden Asks Why Europe Didn’t Just Arrest Conservative Candidates Before Election

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The Babylon Bee…

– Biden Asks Why Europe Didn’t Just Arrest Conservative Candidates Before Election:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As shockwaves continued to reverberate around the globe following sweeping victories for the European political right, U.S. President Joe Biden asked aides why Europe didn’t just arrest the conservative candidates before the election.

As conservative candidates in multiple countries won by significant margins, the current American leader expressed surprise that the ruling globalist regimes didn’t simply have their chief political rivals imprisoned.

Read moreBiden Asks Why Europe Didn’t Just Arrest Conservative Candidates Before Election

To Save Time, Biden To Drop Next $320 Million Cash Directly Into Ocean

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The Babylon Bee…

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– To Save Time, Biden To Drop Next $320 Million Cash Directly Into Ocean:

WASHINGTON, DC — In a recent press conference, President Biden has confirmed that, rather than going to the trouble of building another temporary pier to provide humanitarian aid to Hamas, he will simply instruct the US military to dump $320 million of taxpayers’ dollars into the ocean just off the coast of Gaza.”

“You know that pier we built in Mexico, Jack?” Biden asked, addressing a packed crowd of journalists. “This time, we’ll build it back better by just throwing it all into the Grszeioanejghew…PAUSE. If you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for this plan or against it, then you ain’t Palestinian.”

Foreign policy analysts have hailed the plan as a time-saving, 4-D chess move that will prove much more efficient and just as effective as the original pier. “Why waste weeks of time and labor to build a temporary solution which will just get washed away in the next storm? It’s absolutely brilliant,” said CNN correspondent Jaklynn Robberts. “No more injured soldiers, no more trucks being stolen by Hamas or ships run aground on the beach in Gaza. Biden has done it again!”

At publishing time, Hamas had been seen training scuba divers to retrieve large pallets of cash from coastal waters.

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“Grocery Store Wars” (Video) & A Quick Announcement

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White House Says Bidenomics So Successful The Average American Has Twice As Many Jobs As They Had Two Years Ago

by

The Babylon Bee…

– White House Says Bidenomics So Successful The Average American Has Twice As Many Jobs As They Had Two Years Ago:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing this morning, the White House praised the overwhelming success of “Bidenomics,” as the average American now has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago.

“Thanks to the President’s wonderful economic policies, most Americans have at least two jobs,” said gay, black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to the raucous applause of hand-picked journalists in the room. “Our economists ran the numbers and found that’s twice as many jobs as people used to have just a few years ago. So many jobs! Success!”

“Wow! Thanks, President Biden!” said local barista/hardware store clerk/landscaper/drive-thru worker/Uber driver Brett Barnes. “I’m just swimming in jobs right now! Just a couple more jobs and I’ll be able to afford bread, eggs, AND milk! Bidenomics works!”

Read moreWhite House Says Bidenomics So Successful The Average American Has Twice As Many Jobs As They Had Two Years Ago