Satire …
– Leaked email suggests Russophobia campaign prelude to US invasion of Ukraine:
(Note: This leaked email has not yet been verified by WikiLeaks:)
Date: 2017-06-14
Source: Pentagon
Classification: SECRET/NOFORN/BLTPBJ
S E C R E T
SECTION 03 OF 1,242 WASHINGTON – 314159265
SUBJECT: Major General protests decision to continue the Russophobia campaign
CLASSIFICATION APPROVED BY: CLASSIFIED
REASON: 1.4 (b), (d)
I strongly urge those reading this email to finally acknowledge that the conditioning phase of the Russophobia campaign has been completed.
The situation is exactly as planned to begin troop movements into Ukraine.
Further delays are unnecessary and could jeopardize the long-range planning of Operation Reverse Mongol.
President Trump has renounced his appeasement rhetoric concerning The Menace Putin. Trump has been rendered sufficiently pliable to formally announce conflict engagement.
Media saturation has been total for some time, as is well-documented.
Battalions – infantry, airborne and tank – have been placed on medium-high alert.
However, Americans have a short attention span. Therefore, I strenuously object to the recent decision to continue the Russophobia campaign.
How much longer is this going to go on? Now is time for Trump to declare hostilities in Ukraine!
Follow normal procedures: This requires a formal letter to the UN on White House (not Trump) letterhead. Send copy to Kremlin. Make sure they sign for it.
Let this email confirm that Lieutenant General Kleinphoffer was the first to request Trump’s signing pen as a souvenir. He says he is redecorating his den.
I remind readers that the Russophobia conditioning campaign was neither meant to go on forever, nor was it done without a clear goal in mind. The US Army does not waste time, money, resources or manpower – that’s what we have the Navy for. (Don’t worry, they are not copied on this email.)
The conditioning campaign must now be converted into a war propaganda campaign for multiple reasons, both theoretical and practical.
Hillary is getting cabin fever, and Bill said that he never signed up to spend so much time with her. We know she needs the spotlight and, frankly, she deserves it: It wasn’t easy to get her on board, but she understood her fall was necessary in order to provide enough of a pretext to invade Ukraine.
In fact, Hillary has acted like a champ for the Pentagon time and again, repeatedly postponing her ascendancy to the White House. First for 8 years of Obama, and now for 4 years of Trump.
Hillary is indeed a true patriot of the Bilderberg Group, and this email serves to inform that I am recommending her for our highest honor: Ensign of the Cross of the Griffin of the 3rd Phase of the Moon. This also gives her a preferential parking space at future meetings.
Frankly, I’ll be retiring when she does finally take office – she’s just going to keep us way too busy for my age. I have total confidence that she’ll be a great wartime president, just as she was a great wartime first lady, wartime New York senator and wartime Secretary of State.
Note: We must increase funding to her “Resistance” Political Action Committee. Hats off to the people across the hall in PentPropInform who came up with that title. Excellent further conditioning – really makes one think that they are the good ones fighting pure evil.
Personal statement:
Gee whiz, I’m just so darn happy!!! I’ve been waiting so gosh darn long! Now we can finally start stopping the Red Menace!
Yes, I know that Major General Feffernetter is adamant that Russia is not red anymore because they aren’t communist – he insists they should be brown: as in bears and birch trees. But I say birch is more of a gray! Get your eyes checked Feffernetter!
Anyway, we cannot confuse our citizens, so stop bringing that up to CNN – Wolf Blitzer spent 22 minutes on this yesterday!
But I’m just over the moon that we can finally land in Ukraine and start moving eastward to Russia: We almost let decades of planning go to waste! But I never had any doubt that Trump wouldn’t know which buttons to press – “small hands”, LOL.
Obama’s “pivot to China” diversionary tactic has worked – they’ll close the back door as we sweep eastward!
Exciting times, exciting times indeed! But we still have loose ends to tie up. To wit:
Cultural Angles:
Rachel Maddow is asking for more money – I guess #1 ratings aren’t enough. Give that braying giraffe whatever she wants. We can’t lose her now, and she knows it.
But somebody simply HAS TO tell her that it’s too damned risky to keep letting her use an army barber! I don’t care how much they “understand her type of hair” – someone could see her and ask questions!
I know I promised everyone an advance listening of the new Pussy Riot single, but they’re saying they need time to rehearse. When did they start doing that?!
We all remember what happened when The Monkees tried to play their own instruments, right? For sure, whatever they come up with will be unlistenable, so let’s increase our funding to boost their single sales at the Apple Store.
And what is going on with our Chinese version of Pussy Riot – “Sideways Sino Sucky Sucky”?
I thought all the kids like that punky music nowadays? Somebody hook up one of those angular banjos they play to a distortion pedal and get it on MTV ASAP! Do I have to call Viacom myself? Like I did to get that Kardashian’s phone number for General Stupotski?
(And what did he do with it? Nothing! Don’t believe his bragging – I’ve seen the surveillance tapes! Wasn’t even one of the good Kardashians….)
I don’t want to say “I told you so”, but I remind people that we have gotten virtually nowhere with our program to promote Ai Weiwei. As I’ve said all along: the only people who care about modern art and Ai Weiwei are 2% of the New York Times readership, and 99% of them are bluffing.
Human Rights Angles:
Continue with the Chechnya homosexuals media campaign – DNA testing came back and Chechens do classify racially as White, and we cannot tolerate any sort of abuse of human rights for White people. Hey, I had them pegged as some sort of Turkic tribe, but you can’t argue with racial science.
Anyway, we need some sort for pretext or the Russian invasion, right? We can’t use Communism anymore; there’s no American expatriate community to defend; I checked around, and it seems that Russians actually do have a somewhat solid claim to pretend they are Christians.
Look at just the most recent example of French soldier pedophilia in Burkina Faso– nobody cares about kids. And don’t tell me it’s because they’re Black kids, because I just don’t buy it.
So it’s the gays or back to the drawing board.
Terrorism angles:
You know, we need to stop breaking our arms from patting ourselves on the back for how good we’ve done with this angle in Muslim nations.
Yes, this is our bread and butter…and yet we’ve done nothing as regards Russia.
And yes, the neo-Nazi terrorists have done great in Ukraine – no one is denying that – but you know we can’t trumpet that success in the media.
But I’m tired of hearing: “People simply won’t believe there are Russian bombers in Manchester or Paris.” I’d believe it! Maddow would too!
Anyway, aren’t there Muslims in Siberia? Mongolian Muslims or something? If so, increase their funding immediately.
Human Resource Issues:
We do have a problem with our #3 agent in Operation Journalist Putemania: Agent Maxwell Klinger’s gender issues are causing major morale problems, so can we please clarify which bathroom the agent should use?
Yesterday I caught him or her standing in front of a latrine door and crying – he or she said he or she didn’t know whether to use the his or hers!
There was even a new secret EU Army delegation passing by, even! They’re already trying to bypass our munitions producers – we don’t need this negative press!
Frankly, Klinger is rather chubby and I always thought she was man, but others said he was a woman, and now we all know that he or she has no idea. Us too. Can we please get this issue and Agent Klinger sorted out post-haste?
I don’t even know why Klinger is hesitating? The men’s bathroom stinks like a rabbit hutch! We really need to get some young blood in the Pentagon…all the aiming equipment of us old farts has gone to pot without any action. This good long war will revivify us!
But, yes, I take responsibility for that: I’m the one who insisted that my neighbor get the custodial contract.
I’m telling you his kids were ruining my lawn! And you should see Mildred’s hydrangeas now that baseballs aren’t constantly rolling through there!
I’ll talk to him about not being so cost-cutting with the disinfectant and also about getting some sort of gender-neutral signs. Maybe that’ll put the Klinger issue to bed.
But frankly, someone needs stop Klinger from getting distracted from the larger issues. Operation Reverse Mongol is not fun and games.
Yours sincerely and Bilderberg Forever,
Maj. Gen. Lawrence Pepperbottom
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