Satire: How to be a swine flu vaccine zealot

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(NaturalNews) Swine flu vaccine zealots are like zombies… they just keep coming at you, mindless… heartless… empty-headed and a tad funky on the smell, too. But I’ve noticed from observing the behavior of a few such zealots that not all of them fully comprehend precisely how to act like a mindless vaccine zealot. There’s more to it than just parroting whatever the FDA says.

You actually have to get with the zealot program if you want to be taken seriously as a swine flu vaccine zealot.

So I’ve put together this handy guide to help them along:

Step 1) Loudly proclaim your vaccines are backed by “science,” but when critics ask you to produce that science, just tell them you don’t have to because “everybody knows they work.” (Then grunt and paw at the air from time to time for effect…)

Step 2) Practice scoffing. Scoffing is an important skill for swine flu vaccine zealots. When someone asks an intelligent question like, “Where are the placebo-controlled studies that show flu vaccines work at all?” simply scoff at them. This avoids having to answer the question because, as you know, there are no such studies.

Step 3) Practice making people feel guilty for not getting the flu shot. Blame them for pandemic. Just ignore the fact that the shot itself has zero ability to actually prevent the spread of influenza and focus on what works: Guilt!

Step 4) Spread more fear! Guilt and fear go together like peanut butter and jelly on processed white bread — a favorite zombie food! In combination, they work like gangbusters if you’re trying to scare up some vaccine sales to generate billions of dollars in profits for the drug companies. In the absence of any actual science, just invoke fear! (Hey, it worked for the Patriot Act, too…)

Step 5) Remind people that they are not doctors and therefore don’t know anything. Then quote some doctor who’s pro-vaccine (and probably taking kickbacks from some pharmaceutical company that’s been caught committing a felony crime) and declare that no one can question them because they’re a doctor. Doctors are God, didn’t you know? Just ask all the victims of thalidomide… or Vioxx.

Step 6) Strip off the plastic coating on both ends of an extension cord, exposing the wires. Attach the two wires on one end to the temples of your skull, then attach the two exposed wires on the other end to the exposed slots of a live electrical outlet in your home. You are now “WIRED.” (Want a free subscription?) This process will destroy any critical thinking regions of your cerebrum, disabling the annoying ability to think for yourself (which can interfere with what the vaccine industry wants you to think instead). Once achieved, you’re half-way qualified to being a vaccine zealot, unhindered by critical thinking skills!

(Don’t forget to grunt, moan and leave your mouth draping open from time to time, or the whole effect will be ruined…)

Step 7) Defend mercury as safe. It’s not that bad, really. What’s a little mercury in your shot anyway? Ignore these inconvenient facts: A typical flu vaccine shot solution is 50,000 parts per billion of mercury. The EPA classifies any substance with more than 200 parts per billion as hazardous waste. (The EPA limit in drinking water is 2 parts per billion.) Thus, the mercury density in a vaccine is 25,000% higher than the level required to be considered hazardous waste. This is injected directly into the bloodstream of infants, children, expectant mothers and senior citizens. What could possibly be dangerous about that?

Read moreSatire: How to be a swine flu vaccine zealot

The George W. Bush Presidential Library

Dear Fellow Constituent: The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations.

The Library will include:

1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.

3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.

4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.

5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.

6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.

9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)

11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.

12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

14. The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

The library will also include many famous Quotes by George W. Bush:

1. ‘The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.’

2. ‘If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.’

3. ‘Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.’

4. ‘No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.’

5. ‘I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.’

6. ‘One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.’

7. ‘Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.’

8. ‘I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.’

9. ‘The future will be better tomorrow.’

10. ‘We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world..’

11. ‘One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.’ (during an education photo-op)

12. ‘Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.’

13. ‘We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.’

14. ‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’

15. ‘I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.’…George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

Sincerely, Jack Abramoff: Co-Chair
G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors

Source: ?

Burglar: I was held captive by ghost for 3 days

Would-be thief says ‘supernatural figure’ prevented him from fleeing

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia – A burglar who broke into a house claims he was held captive by a “supernatural figure” for three days without food and water, officials said.

Police official Abdul Marlik Hakim Johar told The Star newspaper the house’s owners found the 36-year-old man fatigued and dehydrated when they returned from vacation Thursday.

He says they called an ambulance to take him to a hospital.

The man told police that every time he tried to escape, a “supernatural figure” shoved him to the ground.

Read moreBurglar: I was held captive by ghost for 3 days

Scientists discover Governmentium (Gv)

GREAT JOKE, SAD TO BE SO TRUE

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

The above is not my original creation, the rest is my addendum. If the above does not make you laugh as much as cry inside, you aint human.

The missing portion of the substance known as corruptium, which leads to radiated energy into channels almost entirely into the power source, once damaged heavily by exposure to light, but now covered by czar tissue.

December 4, 2008

Source: Financial Sense

Palin caught out by ‘President Sarkozy’

Canadian radio comedian persuades Republican vice-presidential hopeful he is French leader in prank phone call

Perhaps Sarah Palin should have realised something was amiss when the caller purporting to be France’s president, Nicolas Sarkozy, referred to “my special American adviser, Johnny Halliday”.

Later in the call, maybe, she could have guessed that even the real Sarkozy would be unlikely to refer to his wife, Carla Bruni, as “so hot in bed” or talk about a supposed mutual love of hunting by saying “to take away a life, that is so fun”.

The would-be vice president was, of course, speaking to Canadian comedian Marc-Antoine Audette, part of a radio duo who have made prank calls to a series of world leaders over the years.

Palin didn’t give away anything of real note – except perhaps an ambition to be president herself “maybe in eight years” – or suffer any real embarrassments.

It is interesting, however, to hear Palin’s eager tone of voice and exaggerated politeness (“We love you! Thanks you for talking to me!”) which seemed to go beyond courtesy into sheer fandom.

Maybe Palin – like many others – still can’t believe the position she’s in right now.

Peter Walker
Sunday November 02 2008 10.05 GMT

Source: The Guardian

Bigfoot hoax body sold for 250,000 dollars on eBay

Washington, October 18 (ANI): The hoax body of Bigfoot, which was found to be a Halloween costume made of rubber, has been sold for 250,000 dollars on eBay, an online auction website.

According to a report in Fox News, the hoax came into being after two Georgia residents, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, recently claimed that they had discovered the frozen corpse of a Bigfoot.

But, Tom Biscardi, owner of a Bigfoot exploration website, decided to get under the skin of things, and hired a self-described Sasquatch detective Steve Kulls to solve the mystery.

He sent Kulls to a secret location apparently Muncie, Indiana to check out the specimen.

But, what Kulls found at the location failed to impress him, and after elaborate analysis, he declared the body to be a fake.

Read moreBigfoot hoax body sold for 250,000 dollars on eBay

Lahde quits hedge funds, thanking “stupid” traders for making him rich.

NEW YORK, Oct 17 (Reuters) – Andrew Lahde, the hedge fund founder who shot to fame with his small fund that soared 870 percent last year on bets against U.S. subprime home loans, has called it quits, thanking “stupid” traders for making him rich.

In a biting, but humorous letter to investors posted on the website of Portfolio magazine on Friday, Lahde told investors last month he will no longer manage money because his bank counterparties had become too risky.

Lahde ripped his profession in the letter. He noted another hedge-fund manager who recently closed shop and was quoted in The Wall Street Journal as saying: “What I have learned about the hedge fund business is that I hate it.” To which Lahde responded, “I could not agree more with that statement.

“The low-hanging fruit, i.e. idiots whose parents paid for prep school, Yale and then the Harvard MBA, was there for the taking,” said Lahde, who according to the website birthdates.com is 37.

“These people who were (often) truly not worthy of the education they received (or supposedly received) rose to the top of companies such as AIG, Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers and all levels of our government. All of this behavior supporting the Aristocracy, only ended up making it easier for me to find people stupid enough to take the other side of my trades. God bless America.”

Read moreLahde quits hedge funds, thanking “stupid” traders for making him rich.

‘Harmony’ Baptist Church: A Free Thinker Is Satans Slave


Source:
Just A Normal Girl

“Thou shalt not think.”

Be a good, boring, stupid religious sheep.

And sheep get herded, milked, fleeced and slaughtered.

So God gave you a brain, but don’t you dare use it.

In case you are bored with what religion has to offer and you want to read something really wonderful then please read the first three volumes of Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East.

For my German readers: Leben und Lehren der Meister in Fernen Osten. Band 1-3.

Read more‘Harmony’ Baptist Church: A Free Thinker Is Satans Slave

Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’

Source: THE ONION From !!! January 17, 2001 !!!  A must read.

WASHINGTON, DC-Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that “our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.”


President-elect Bush vows that “together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us.”

“My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us.”

Read moreBush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’